What Actually Builds Receptivity for Your Neurodivergent Teen

Okay, let's talk about what actually builds receptivity for your neurodivergent teen or young adult. This includes ADHD, autism, PDA, OCD, or OCPD. So what does increase receptivity for change? You can say all the right things, but if your timing is off, then this can completely ruin it, and You won't get through to your teen. If your teen is dysregulated or emotionally overwhelmed, you giving feedback will not get through.

We have to prioritize emotion regulation if you want your teen to actually be able to process it, be in their logical brain to actually absorb what you're saying and implement the changes. We also want keep in mind that shorter feedback is more effective than long sentences or long, lengthy, wordy feedback. Your teen doesn't need a super long explanation about why what they did was wrong or not effective and what they need to do better. We want keep this short and simple with short sentences, instead of you need to do X, Y, and Z. Let's just start with one short, simple sentence. When you hit your sister, that hurt her feelings. Most parents say too much and they wonder why their teen is not absorbing what they're saying. Just need to give one piece of feedback at a time when your teen is regulated. "When you're upset, I need you to stop hitting your sister."

You also need to consider using a softer entry point. Instead of, "You need to do X, Y, and Z now," your teen's nervous system will take over, and they will shut down. Instead, ask for permission before you give feedback. You can say something like, "Hey, is it okay if I share something that has worked for me in the past? Are you open to hearing that?" And then listen how the body language and the response is different from, "You need to do X, Y, and Z." A lot of teens feel dysregulated when you are exerting from a position of authority. You're intruding on their autonomy, sense of choice, and sometimes they'll shut down

We also need to just focus on one thing at a time. A lot of parents pile on all the things that their teen is doing wrong, right? You don't listen. You don't do your chores. Your room is a mess. You don't get your homework done. And then that's just a lot to pile on a nervous system who's already dysregulated. And so then they start to associate you with feelings of shame or not feeling good enough, and we don't want this to happen because it ruins the connection. We just want to focus on one small change at a time and let that be enough for the day. Hey, it would be great if, we could together just focus on picking up the clothes on the floor and putting it in the hamper today.

We also want to validate emotions, give emphasis to the emotional experience before we give feedback or redirect attention. Teens will feel much more understood and be willing to listen and be receptive if they feel like you're understanding their emotional experience. Be like, "Hey, I know this might be overwhelming," or, "I know this might trigger feelings of shame or feeling like you're not doing good enough. And that sucks. I'm so sorry you feel that, and I can see why this is so frustrating, and that's valid." And then you can redirect. "How about let's just focus on doing this one thing at a time. You're not failing, you're doing your best given the emotions, and we can do one thing differently." So validating emotions will open up receptivity.

We also want to remove shame from the process. Even subtle tone, body language, body posture, positioning of authority or, frowns, tone of voice can communicate to their nervous system that they should go into threat mode. And so they'll either melt down or shut down, and we want to avoid this from happening as much as possible. So if you're feeling overwhelmed or stressed out, it's really important you as a parent do your due diligence to self-regulate, calm your nervous system before you even enter that conversation if you want that conversation to go well. And through this, we wanna start building a relationship, parent and child, where sharing emotions and feedback feels safe. So you can do this by, disclosing moments yourself where you received feedback and felt shameful or felt like you weren't good enough, and you can empathize with them, that feeling of pressure, feeling not good enough. But we want to create an environment where it feels safe to share. So if they are communicating a feeling, we don't want shut down that feeling. "Oh, you shouldn't feel this way," 'cause you're basically teaching your teen to self-reject. But instead, we want practice opening up about our vulnerability and get the sense that it's safe to share. I won't be rejected if I share vulnerability. And so you have to model that for your teen.

I worked with a parent recently with a neurodivergent daughter who would shut down every time the parent gave feedback 'cause the teen felt like she was failing. She made one simple change. Instead of giving feedback before considering, how she was coming across or the lack of choice, instead she started asking, "Hey, do you want help right now, or do you just want me to listen?" She started giving more options and started pulling back from a position of authority to work more collaboratively. So she made it more of a choice with her daughter. "Do you want me to just listen and empathize, or do you want me to help you through this task?" And giving her that choice allowed her to open up because she felt safer to share, like she wasn't going be ridiculed for sharing emotions, and she felt more in control, like she had more choice and autonomy about how and when to receive feedback and when to implement the change And so over time, this increased receptivity and willingness to change.

And I want to address this core fear because I'm sure a lot of you parents are concerned, "If I don't correct them, if I don't correct their behavior, then how will they learn?" And don't worry, we're still teaching, we're still guiding through learning, but we're just doing it in a different way. We're doing it in a way where their nervous system can stay regulated so they don't shut down. And when they stay regulated, their brain can actually better absorb the feedback. So parents, you might have to slow your roll a bit with the expectation of that urgency of wanting to give feedback and teach right away when their nervous system is just not capable of hearing it. So it might take overnight, it might take twenty-four hours. It might even take a full month if your teen is in emotional overwhelm or intense burnout from masking and trying to be normal. So it might take a while before your teen is regulated enough to actually hear the feedback and implement the change. So parents, we gotta be patient, right? We're not dealing with, neurotypical brain functioning. Sometimes it takes a little bit longer, and that's not bad. It's just different, and we have to open ourselves up to doing things differently.

So this is where the four principles come in again that I teach in my training program. It's important to increase receptivity through emotion regulation. We can increase receptivity from demonstrating openness to feedback, openness to communicating feelings with feedback, increasing mental flexibility and adapting to changes that are, were being asked, and making the relationship as safe and understanding as, and as empathetic as possible, so your teen feels safe enough to share. So I want you to reflect on this. Your teen is not thinking that they don't care about you or your emotions. They're not trying to be difficult on purpose. It's literally a nervous system response. When they feel overwhelmed, they're trying to protect themself from a perceived threat. It may not be reasonable for you. But it is very real. And so here's what I want you to remember, right? Try saying less, keep it in shorter sentences. Be mindful of timing when you share your feedback, and start with validation, words of validation, validating feelings before you give feedback. Focus on one small change at a time, and, ask permission before giving feedback. Ask if they're capable of actually hearing it. Giving choice and autonomy feels safer. And so with this, your teen will begin